Saving Face(book)

Most of us adults consider Peek-A-Boo to be just a silly game we play with toddlers when we have no idea how else to interact with them.  Right?  But according to experts in child development, it’s really a highly effective tool that teaches the mentally challenged (i.e. toddlers) the concept of object permanence.  To wit: when you close your eyes, the world doesn’t disappear. Everything stays exactly the same.  Experts love to take the fun out of everything, don't they?

Fortunately, this appears to be a lesson easily learned and we can get on with the business of being silly.  Unfortunately, I must have missed the game that taught me that the rules of Peek-A-Boo only apply to the physical world. Apparently, where other people's feelings and emotions are concerned, nothing is permanent and all bets are off.

This is why it felt like some monumental epiphany recently when it dawned on me that my Friends on Facebook don’t remain in exactly the same positive frame of mind when they sign off.  It is entirely possible, I realized, that once they close their browsers -- the cyber equivalent of covering my eyes -- some of them might actually be in an entirely different psychological space than they had projected only moments earlier online!  It’s Peek-A-Boo in reverse; reality is everything we cannot see.  The object lesson here was that when my Friends post pictures of a glorious sunset, a spastic kitten or pizza, it is important to remember that this doesn't mean they never think of atomic radiation, dead kittens and obesity.  You might say (or at least I would) that for every "peek" there is the potential for an equal and opposite "a-boo."

I came to this obvious-yet-liberating conclusion after a particularly shitty day I had recently; a day during which I had behaved poorly and my only thought while scrolling through my Newsfeed was how much more enlightened and reasonable the people in my online circle of friends were than me.  How was it possible, I asked myself, that I am the only one in my group who struggles, if not outright fails, to accept and appreciate each day as it comes?  Everyone but me, it seemed, was not only adept at making lemonade out of lemons, but shitake out of shit and pan-seared crappie out of crap.  One friend, for the love of God, is even able to turn something called a skate (a "cartilaginous fish belonging to the family Rajidae," which sounds to me like it might be a barnacle) into something mouthwatering.  And then in a thunderclap of “Duh!,” my self-pity lifted and the answer came through loud and clear: it isn’t possible!

Nobody is a smiley-face 24/7!  Or, to paraphrase Brad Paisley: "I'm so much more emotionally stable online." It's not that we lie, it's just that we selectively reveal the truth, focusing mainly on the ones that we think make us most likeable.  It's not reality, it's virtual reality.  If in Space no one can hear you scream, on Facebook, no one can hear you fart... unless you want them to.

I have friends who are struggling with serious health issues.  Online they post brave and cheerful comments about how they are confronting their diseases head-on, and indeed they are.  But does that mean their spirits never sink, or fear never clouds their outlook?  Of course not.  Furthermore, it would be unfair to expect that of them.  Nobody deserves to be held to such an impossible standard.  Nor would I judge them for keeping their public and private faces separate, especially since I would make the same choice.

I have friends who proudly post comments of their children’s achievements, often accompanied by photos that show nothing but the strongest of family bonds.  Does this mean their kid never failed?  Or that they never yelled at them and said things they will never be able to take back?  I doubt it.  And if it did, then I’d have to seriously question whether or not these were actual human friends and not bots.  Unless you have done something that would make a Kardashian blush, and the E! channel is willing to pay you a million dollars per episode for the rights, there is very little upside to publicly immortalizing your bad behavior.

And as for my friend Susie, she of skate/barnacle fame, I’ll bet every once in a while she cooks something that ends up seeing the garbage can instead of the dinner table.  Hard to imagine, but not impossible.

Therefore, I am going to announce to all of my Friends that I no longer think you are perfect.  From this day forward I will consider it a given that some of you have occasional feelings and behaviors that you have kept hidden from the prying eyes of Facebook.  And please feel free to assume the same of me.  And in case you were hoping I was going to make any true confessions here about the details of my horrible-no-good-very-bad-day, I’m sorry to disappoint you.  That would run directly counter to the point I am trying to make: We all have secrets that, barring any sociopathic tendencies, we have the good sense not to share on Facebook.

There is, however, a place to go when you want to anonymously purge yourself of all your inner demons.  It’s called Twitter.